August 27

RONICLE

bigtips

'Bio-dad' wants greater role in future child's life

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

It was not too long ago that I had my systems figured out. I'd lived alone for several years, very happy to know that things could always be found wherever I'd left them, and if I did the dishes in the morning, there would be a clean kitchen to come home to.

I had my projects: There was always some weird piece of needlework that I'd do in the evening to justify any time I'd spend watching TV, and a faultless system for returning correspondence in a timely manner. I listened to and answered my phone messages when I came home from work, and often went to sleep having crossed off everything on that day's "to-do" list. In opposition to entropy, everything around me slowly got cleaner.

This of course amazed my friends, and filled them with a great sense of annoyance. I was puzzled: Why wouldn't everyone want to live like this? It was easy. If you just did things when they came up, they wouldn't have to be done later. If you didn't make a mess, you wouldn't have to clean it up. If you see a black fuzzy on the rug, pick it up and throw it out. So simple.

When it's quiet at home, there's always enough time to think about what you want to do, screw around and waste some time, then get your jobbies done. Well, things change. I took some sort of leap into the uncontrollable unknown, and I'm finding out that there are adventures to be had when you court the unfamiliar.

Last weekend I didn't clean the bathroom, but I hiked to a hundred-foot waterfall. So, maybe I'm not just supposed to be oversee-

ing an unending course of tidying?

Yesterday, as we waded through the grass in my back yard, my friend Gabrielle told me that she was always a little unnerved by the preternatural calm of my old life, and she was happy to welcome me to the Sticky Side. I sighed, officially gave up, and drew a big heart for my sweetie in the dust on the top of my toilet tank.

Hey Tip,

When I was in high school, all I ever heard was how easy it was to get pregnant, and a million ways to keep that from happening (although I never did believe that one about douching with 7-Up).

Don't go swimming when you have your period. Don't sit on the public toilet seat. On a more realistic note, everyone knew that "pulling out" wasn't a guarantee of not getting knocked up. It seemed like pregnancy was the easiest thing in the world, so you'd better not even look at a guy too long, or, who knew?

Well, it turns out that it's only that easy when you are having sex with a man. My girlfriend and I really want to have children, and we've started down the long and complicated road of making that happen. Because we want the child to have the option of having a relationship with its "bio-dad, "we've chosen to use a known donor.

It's been hard finding someone who wanted to donate, and who was someone we liked and trusted, but we think we have someone. But now as we're drawing up legal documents to make sure that there are no questions about custody, the donor is becoming more and more insistent about his desires.

At first he was very relaxed about staying

back while we made all the decisions, but now he's coming up with requests like possibly choosing the child's middle name. I truly believe he'd never fight us for custody, and he has no living relatives, so none of them could come after the child, but I'm feeling a little annoyed about his request.

Do you think he's being unreasonable? Am I? Just Want a Little Squirt

Dear Milk Maid,

Well, it wouldn't be the first time it took a little massaging to get some semen. The known-donor route is strewn with its own set of complications and rewards. Make sure you have a very clear legal contract drawn up by a lawyer who has done that before. Better you should save money on the kid's baby shower than on the contract, and have it spend its life living with someone other than you and your sweetie.

It's also important to trust your instincts. It's great that you don't think there will be any custody problems. It does sound like he's invested in some sort of relationship with the child. Figure out what that means ahead of time, and really talk about the details to make sure the three of you are all on the same page.

Sometimes sperm seekers and the donor write up a letter of intent, to be notarized and filed with the donor contract, that explains the spirit in which all of you are heading into this partnership. Then if there is a disagreement later on down the line, there is some supportive evidence that was created by the people involved, as opposed to their lawyers. As for the middle name, if it really feels

invasive, tell him no. If he can't handle that, then maybe you need to look for someone who's more simpatico with your vision. Or maybe you could just pick one together, and throw it in the middle of the kid's name, where it may or may not ever be used. If it's a weird one, it'll make a good story when the kid grows up.

Dear Big Tipper,

I've never dyed my hair before, and I'm starting to go bald. I want to do it at least once before it's too late. Is that totally crazy?

Dear Princess Dye,

Dyeing To

Go crazy, my brother. I don't know if you're just thinking of a nice auburn foil, or flaming Bozo side puffs, but I trust you have a sense of what's okay where you work.

Dyeing your hair is great: It's a speedy, dramatic transformation you can do by yourself or with a giggling pack of pals, or in the hypnotically relaxing atmosphere of a salon. And you know what? If the results are horrifying, you can dye it back.

I feel a little sad that you feel your dyeing days are numbered. Remember that there are hairplay options a-plenty. I have, during more indolent times in my life, bleached the hair on all of my various zones. It's not just for heads anymore! (But stay away from lashes and brows. Say no to accidental blindness.)

And of course, never, never underestimate the power of a wig.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

LADIES**

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